Skype Face & Spanx :: Resisting Reality

bad pic

I serve on a virtual team. The eight of us live in seven different cities and three different timezones and convene every 6-8 weeks in cities around the country, and during the weeks in-between we gather virtually via Skype, Google-Hangout, or Fuze, and a few of us meet together by video two or three times a week. One of the perks of working from home is the freedom to wear sweats, to sit on the deck, and to drink innumerable cups of brew without having to smell like burnt coffee beans at the end of the day.

The drawback, however, to virtual and video teaming is the camera.

There is something vexatious about seeing my own motley mug bobbing around on the screen. Even after applying my “Skype face” (including a good slather of red lipstick), I don’t like what I see.

My carefully sprayed mane looks lackluster, my forehead is a mile too high, and my nose – ah the Kelly nose – protrudes in a rather bulbous and obtrusive way – especially on camera.

All the while I sit and talk talk talk, slumped in front of my computer for hours on end. I can almost feel coffee stains forming on my teeth, and the muscles in my rear-end forming to the soft cushion of the couch.

Adding insult to injury, a co-worker (from a different virtual team) had the nerve to take the screenshot (posted here) during a recent morning meeting. Could anything be more unflattering? I’ve resolved to slather on a little more “hide the circles under you eyes” stuff before the next round of meetings.

Ah, the pain of harsh reality as it unmasks the demon of denial.

Since I’m being REAL — I recently bought an adorable, form-fitting maxi. It’s stylish and modern, except for the fact that it reveals the reality of my untoned midriff. It hides, quite nicely I might add, wrinkly aging leg skin. The dress is sleeveless, and because I possess the weakest arms in the history of the world, my biceps have slipped to the underside of my upper arms and swing side to side – like my grandmother’s. Turns out they don’t sell spanx for arms. Since the dress is low cut and I’m 54 and a missionary, I consulted with Kate ( and purchased one of those stretchy-band-dealie-bobs with lace, which provides tasteful modesty and eliminates unsightly older-lady-flab. To top it all off, I bought my first pair of Target’s version of Spanx and created the illusions of “seamlessness.” I decided against the add-padding-to-the-rear version, although they might actually help.

I wore the dress earlier this week. I love, love the dress. I felt suffocated by spandex.

Silly, silly, vain me. Perhaps I should just embrace said reality…OR…on second thought…

I downloaded Kira’s Barre and Ballet App and started toning my flabby atrophied muscles. I remembered, with glee, that I stil have teeth-bleach in the fridge,                                                                                                                                                                       I double-checked on that hair appointment for a cut AND color, and I’m on the lookout for better under-eye cover-up.


One thought on “Skype Face & Spanx :: Resisting Reality

  1. Ok, you win the award for honesty for 50 something women! Why do you think I called you on my cell instead of using Google-hangout? I hate what I look like on that screen!

    The reality is “time marches on” and we have all inherited “stuff” not as evident years ago but now, o Lord! Should we see our “flesh flags” as banners? When a 20 something sits at my desk I cringe when I feel they are looking at my arms. Why don’t I just toss all of my cap sleeve tops already?

    I have been the one who wants to look hard into reality but this? What sincerely scares me though is the fact that Cas is buying spanx! You are the last person I thought would ever feel the need for such a thing! Lord, just take my vain little heart home now or at least preferably before CSU!

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